I have gotten sick of being medicated. I havent taking my meds in a couple months now. Everything is so much clearer now, noises are louder, I feel more alive. I have decided I am not crazy just eccentric, the things I experience are real, i just need to get used to them so i dont flip out. Fuck what psychiatrist and everyone else has to say. Their meds just dumb me down so i cant experience what they cant. I dont have schizophrenia, I am not crazy. Its all real, and also scary. Everything is way more clear, i can read into people much better now and tap into their energy. Colors are much more vivid. Its not hallucinations. Just because others cant see it dosent mean its not there. You cant see god can ya? and thats what most you believe in. Ahhh! Its feels so good to be off. I'm never putting that stuff in my body again, no ones going to send me away again, i wont let them, they cant, its impossible, i'll destroy them. I feel more free than I ever have!

and i'm a nightmare. i love------. I'm going to have to OD on ativan to get to sleep tonight. fucking bitch. Guess who? I'm getting bored with everything. I'm getting bored with virginia beach. I need my desk back, so I can feel comfortable when I draw. This world is rotting and diseased. This weeks going bye-bye to slowww. Fucking librarys and their high fines, damn them. I need money, but their greed is to strong to lend any to me. It feels like i got rocks stuck in my throat.

I had this dream, it was the kind that feel real. My mom told me that eric is not my real father. She cheated on him. So she takes me to this city full of broken buildings and scetchy people, and busted up streets overgrown with weeds to go meet him. For some reason we decide to spend the night. (i've dreamed about this city a couple times before) So we get to his house and he was tall with messed up shoulder length brown hair and a beared, he was drinking a bottle of whisky. It turned out he didnt give much of a shit about me, which made me feel like garbage. His brother wanted to rape me so my mom made me go sleep in the woods. His brother was a younger guy that had shaggy blonde hair with missing teeth and had scars all over his face, he had a girlish face, he kind of looked like me. At night, when I got into the woods I found a huge boulder and decided I would sleep on it. Balls of rainbow light were circling around me. then i woke up. the end

I dont want to be medicated, but without it i'm "not normal", I'm so fucking depressed right now. If only I could be in my own little hole where no one would go, then I would be fine. All the worms would revolve around me. Worms would be a society, and they wouldent bother me. I would not have to work, I can eat the worms and suck water from the dirt. People tell me i'm fucked up, but I think it is them who are the fucked up ones. I hate when perverted people stare me up and down, i'll make them go away. I got diagnosed as bipolar type 1, borderline/schizotypal (?), but I am not. I am brigitte and i am blessed by angels and demons. When I hear voices it is them. It is also things in another dimension trying to talk to me. They say its hallucinations, but I know that its ghosts or weird creatures that poped out of the other dimensions and I have the power to see them. Inanimate objects have faces and I sometimes have the ability to see them. The meds just make me weak so I can not experience it, they dont want me to see. my moods are not stable because my soul does not belonge here, part of it has been ripped off and drifted off into space. In fact, I hate medication, it makes me dizzy and tired and apathetic, its makes me feel dead. I also hate when people argue and yell at each other, its fucking annoying and I have to listen to that shit right now, god damn it. I havent been taking my day time seroquel and my mood stabilizers. Maybe their right that i'm crazy. I dont know what to believe at this point in time. If i'm medicated i'm fake.

I've been sick to my stomach all day long. I feel guilty for no reason. I wish I had a job, so I can get some money and leave for a while, I realy would to. I'm realy dizzy right now. whine. I've only been to school once since I got out of the psyche ward. I keep changing my mind. I dont know wether I should go back into contained classes (I can cause i'm E.D.) or just drop out already. I keep having the feeling i'm going to die in my sleep from the meds i'm on. I'm not ready to die yet, i'm afraid of where i'll end up, although I am not happy with how my life is going right now. For the past three days i've done nothing but sleep all day and at night, real late, when theres no one out, go for walks.

This storie is fucking hillarious, I wrote it a couple nights ago. I'm going to tell it to all the children on christmas eve. I dont have to go to school today, and I would sleep but I dont want to ruin my sleep patteren thats a pain to fix, so I have lots of time, and I get to draw all day and sit on my ass doing nothing. I should probably finish my two essays. but I will probably get to that at the last minute. Click "read more".
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